Dubai is an interesting place. It rewards risk-takers the most. I was stranded in this desert with nothing, and within 48 hours I was driving an M4. Across from me is sitting Andrew Tate, the street outside is filled with Bugattis, and I’m sitting next to billionaires. Dubai is full of surface-level energy, and people here are starving for something real. Yet it also exposes my biggest flaws.
My biggest flaw is that I try too hard.
Why? Because she just landed in Dubai. My friend asked me to deliver flowers to his fiancée and her mother.
But to my surprise, there was another soul and when I looked in her eyes, she started to look away so I told her I’d get her some flowers too and compensate their stay. I told her she seems very mature and deep but she struggled to understand my words because she’s French and I am speaking too rapide.
But here’s where it went wrong.
I wanted to be generous. I am not into material so if I have something I wanna share something. So I also offered her a drive in my Lambo but that made me seem cheap.
I am in Dubai alone without family so when I saw their mother. It reminded me of mine. She was soft, kind, and had a pure soul and asking me about my life.
And I have been taught to be a good human without wanting anything in return.
But the issue is that’s where I can come across as too much.
People always think I’m arrogant. I’m often misunderstood, and I’m learning to accept that. I can’t blame others for the way they perceive me.
Part of the disconnect comes from how things are perceived. The female gaze wants everything to look effortless, like it just happened. Meanwhile, every workout, every exercise, and every risk I’ve taken has been calculated and all of it has brought me to the person I am today.
The male gaze wants me to compete and when I say that it takes strength to be vulnerable. They think I am deceived.
I’ve got a thousand problems, yet I still free up time to bring her flowers the next day. And I feel too comfortable. I say things in a joking way, but they’re perceived as real, because the way I speak is feels real, and the way I look is intense.
Because my mind is at constant war.
A war with myself.
A war with my thoughts.
A war with my identity.
A war with finding my destiny.
There was a time when I didn’t understand myself. A time when I didn’t know who I was, what my identity was, who I wanted to be, or what I wanted to stand for. To the world, it may feel like I’ve figured it all out, but I’m still figuring everything out.
My life is a movie. Every action turns into a mistake. Every mistake turns into a lesson. Every lesson forces me to adapt and change.
And now I understand that one thing I need to focus on more is not giving myself a negative start.
The first time I saw her I was being real. But the next time I was trying to be cool. And when she showed me her followers the thought of not being good enough started to eat away at me. It showed me my old wounds and memories.
I started to blame myself. And then I overcompensated.
Because I struggle to sit still.
I always feel the urge to try.
I feel the need to explain myself, my mind, my thoughts and my soul.
And now I’m sitting here, writing to myself. Because my friends tell me I can’t reach out. I already know I have been made a fool and they say time will let this play out. They tell me to hold back. They tell me not to explain myself.
Last night, I messaged another soul and she didn’t judge me. And for a moment, I felt understood and sure.
But this time, I feel the urge to explain again.
The need to overcompensate again.
Because this time I was misunderstood. I was labelled a traitor, a hater, a man with no self-control. I look in the mirror and I see myself as evil. But all I was ever trying to be was a hero.
But I know that last year I focused on me. I started to understand me, not only intellectually, but also emotionally. That’s when I realised something important.
I’m not just an intense individual. I just wanna share my energy with those who are soulful. I’m ambitious.
